“I’m on a sugar cleanse so I can’t drink during the show anymore. There’s a lot more of y’all than I thought now that I’m sober.”

“It is the 6-year anniversary of Facebook. They say that after 6 years things slow down, but I’m getting poked more today than when we first got together.”

“From Grey’s Anatomy, the lovely Ellen Pompeo is here. We have a whole lot in common. We’re both named Ellen and… that’s it.”

“It is Day 3 of my sugar-cleanse, and already I’m sleeping better. Unfortunately, it’s while I’m driving.”

“Cars are getting so complicated now. When I first started driving, cars had a steering wheel, an AM radio and a glove compartment. There were no seatbelts or airbags, but at least your gloves were fully protected.”

“For those of you who are sick at home: Good for you for watching, because they say laughter is the best medicine. So you’re on your way to feeling better. But if your laughter lasts more than 4 hours, please see a doctor.”

“I had an umbrella once; it was so complicated to open. You know how sometimes you can’t figure it out? I tried and tried. Finally I figured it out — I had a cane.”

“I told Portia I didn’t want anything for Christmas. I said her love was enough for me. Thank goodness she didn’t fall for that rigamarole.”

“The legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking… that must be hard to put all the tiny seatbelts on all the snakes.”

“If you know anything about me, you know I love playing games, I work two jobs, and I recently adopted a son who is playing professional football. I’m sorry, I’m thinking of ‘The Blind Side’.”

“Every day, people all over the world are at their computer and looking at my tweets. Now I know how Pamela Anderson feels.”

“Last night I took my socks off, and I had these deep rings around my ankles. I showed Portia, and I was like, “Look at the lines on my ankles!” She was like, “Look at the road while you’re driving.”

“Yogi Cameron doesn’t sleep on a bed, he sleeps on the floor. Not a sleeping bag, literally the floor. Which explains why when he walked in today, there was a dime stuck to the side of his face. And a little bit of lint… and a popcorn kernel.”

“If you didn’t see Monday’s finale of “The Bachelor”, here’s what happened: Jake liked it and he put a ring on it.”

“I hosted the Oscars all by myself. And this show, I’ve always hosted all by myself. I’ve never had a co-host. Well, I’ve had a little bit of help from my friend Char… donnay.”

“I think sometimes we should forget about technology completely. We should put down our cell phones, stop tweeting, turn off our computers, and focus on what’s really important — my television show.”

“It’s hard having two jobs. Last night I fell asleep in front of the TV. I wasn’t watching it, I was just walking by and I was out like a light.”

“Mardi Gras is actually a French phrase which means, ‘When did I get that pierced?’”

“What a big show we have today. Or as they say in football, it’s a slam dunk.”